0.5kg away from fat.

Goal number 1- pass my driving test
Reward- weekend in wales with maplin
Goal number 2- save up to go to amsterdam/help nilly come to manchester
Reward- Seeing nilly :)
Goal number 3- lots of jobs/money
Reward - move out

So at the moment i'm taking three kinds of prescribed medication- anti-depressants, birth control and pain killers/anti-flammation pills.
The latter is the newest addition and after getting over the weird plastic anti-depressants with powder inside, i am now faced with an actually bright pink pill, that could easily be mistaken for a smartie. But that's not the nearly the worse aspect of this new drug, it's interferring with my anti-depressants and i'd liken the effect it takes to the way it feels to be underwater minus that oxygen deprivation and every time I feel like I'm going to break through the fuzziness I have to pop another pill.

All I want is to be only yours,
i want only your lips to kiss me,
only your hands to touch me,
just your arms to hold me.
I'm longing to be yours,
only yours.

And it's almost a dream of mine, to be surrounded in your touch, your scent, your warmth.
too bad i keep screwing it up

I had a dream that there had never been a sky and everyone lived underground in these chalets, and i had a was going out with maplin's mum and maplin and i was scared of talking to her incase she didn't like me and we went through this shopping centre and she got a call from maplin's dad and started painting the walls of superdrug blue and i asked what she was doing and she said they deserved it and an voice of an overhead tanoy said to report Mrs Diana Miller if seen with a description so we left and i distracted people by commenting on the amusing fact that it was called Sick Street.
Next we were in the chalets and everyone was there my whole family and getting around underground was horrible you had to fit through these tiny doors and i was always terrified of not being able to get through and then i started wondering why we were living down there and i was sure i remember there once being a sky so i start explore the underground world more and i came to a chamber that was like a junk yard and there were these patches of yellow rice and i knew that this was something significant and i took some of it, but then these people came and they didn't like what i was doing so they started to try and catch me and i ran through all the scary doors that were too small and then i woke up, because of the stupid road works outside.

Memories "Magnetic Rose"

exciting isn't it? doing stuff? ...thinking about doing stuff? ...vaguely considering the notion of doing something? okay no, not doing anything, watching the same episode of veronica mars at least 4 times, and filling in the gaps with friends, biggest loser, smallville and general pointless wandering about the house, did i mention i watched a lot veronica mars?
anyway so suffering from a general lack of motivation, probably due to the current shortage of anti-depressants
now i've finished my little tangent, back to the main event, stuff to do, stuff i could not possibly be arsed doing right now. can't be arsed writing it either.

*arrive home*
so where did you go?
career's advisors
and how was that?
ok
helpful?
yeah
later at lunch i attempt to actually talk to her
so she thinks i should do some volunteer work involving art
what organisations?   
well i don't know yet i have to do some research, she wants me to do two volunteer jobs
and why does she think you should do that?
so i find out about other potential jobs and it'll add to my cv and i was thinking-
well the problem with that is you won't get paid *hahahaha*
(i was thinking i could work the 15 hours a week job at woodford park in addition to)
*silence*
so about this money i owe could i pay 50 pounds now and 50 pounds when i have the rest?
well you'll have to talk to your father about that
okay
we have to cut down these phone bills
well i'm not calling maplin anymore if that's what you mean 
hmmmm, aren't these clothes nice? don't you like that skirt? 
how much is it? 
35 pounds
no.

weight 57.1kg
8 stone 9
two more pounds and i'll have lost a stone
feel neither sad nor happy, just tired and weak

i almost cried from happiness because i got an item of clothing i wanted and for once charlie or amber didn't get it, I got it, amber let me have it, she actually gave it to me, i'm so ridiculously grateful, i'm going to remember this forever.

sometimes i feel like i'm just a shadow or a ghost of a person in comparison to other people's lives, their talk, their perfumed smell and their coloured and interesting clothes, i stand near in my grey and black, my weary expression, my life of nothing, my talk of nothing and feel as if i'm in danger of completely fading out into nothing. 

 Why Should I get a Job?

• So i can visit Nilly in America and/or contribute to getting Nilly to England
• Can Visit Nilly in Amsterdam
• So i can be busy when Maplin is
• I owe mum and dad £110 quid for the phone bill
• Money for clothes, so i can be pretty =)
• Go on Holiday with Maplin
• Need money for christmas presents
• Can go to Porcupine Tree with Robbie
• So i can buy Coraline 
• So i don't have to go to shitty cheap clubs like 5th ave and Jilly's
• SO I CAN MOVE OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why should i pass my Driving Test?

• It'll only take 15 minutes to get to Maplin's instead of an hour and a half
• No bus fares (Y)
• It'll please my dad 
• More freedom + Somewhere to sleep if i don't want to go home
• Good for job and gives me a wider variety of jobs
• Can take Gaby to the lake district 
• So I can visit Eri7k in Birmingham 
• And Mags in Nottingham

Why should i exercise regularly?

• Makes me more focused 
• Stablilizers weight which means less restricting
• Makes me feel less guilty about eating therefore less purging
• Keeps well toned and nicer looking than amber
• It's healthy =)

 
"You know what Soph, your so laid back your falling off your chair" - Amber Dennett

"Let's just say Sophie views the world in a different light, well actually, the light is turned off" - Robert Goux

"Don't beat yourself up"
"You do it too"
"But i do it to force myself to be productive, you do it to the extent that you give up all hope and lose the will to live" - Matthew Aplin 

 my mum said to me "you know, your really beautiful sophie"
 i can not begin to comprehend

 I am so fucking ANGRY, angry at you people. My father who forced me to in fear, who crushed my self-esteem. The combined effect of my parents and grandparents who have made me believe i am scum, ungrateful, spoilt, selfish, a self-centred little shit who has no redeeming personality traits. My mother, my mother who betrayed my trust when i needed it most, who encourage the anorexia in me, who i must obey her every wish without any appreciation or genuine thanks, only anger if i do not submit, my older sister who is as shallow as her and so she only deserves her affection, the only worthy daughter. You people, you who with a harsh word can cause me to curl up and destory myself as my only way of dealing with it.

Isabelle wants her phone so she can play on her 3-d rollercoaster game...

a week since i last had sex (through the front entrance) starting to get pretty cranky...
finally off my period and maplin denies me sex, wot?!
he was tired, i was horny
and suddenly disaster.
i can't stand to be near him because i'm craving his touch, his skin so badly.
i felt like if i was a boy and maplin was the girl (which he is blatez) i would have raped him/her.
my mind felt rank and like my emotions and thoughts were on fast forward and repeat at the same time
want, want, want 
damn hormones
rejection 
next morning, nothing... no interest in me physically, empty, empty, empty
no don't think about it sophie, don't think
BAM!
i'm not attractive to him anymore.
he hates the way i'm eating, he thinks i'm getting fat, let's not eat....  (this lasted an hour or so) oh wait, that's not good enough, even if i do get skinnier he won't find me particularly more attractive, bad things about me.. black heads, teeth, unshaven hair, leg flab...
Sophie, are you okay?
yes i'm fine :)
Really?
Yes, i'm fine
Great now i'm being emotional and making my personality unattractive, waaaaiiiiiilllllllllllllllllllllllllllll, i'm so not good enough.... i take up maplin's time and am not nearly as lovely as he is to me (now i actually start crying) and i'm not good at anything, at which point maplin said the sweetest thing ever, he said i am good at art and i should do more of it and then he said that he wasn't just saying that because i should improve, he said it was because he wanted to see more of my art and then i cried of happiness, coz i'm lame (if you haven't gathered) and then for some reason i got upset again, probs coz i had to leave.
And then i walked home in the rain, froze to death and cheer up due to finally getting home.

So in conclusion i Suck (Y)

I never thought I could feel this way,
I didn't ever believe that it was even possible for me to feel this deeply happy
I never believed that anyone could make me feel so comfortable in my own skin
It feels like i just keep falling deeper and deeper in love 
all sounds cliche, but i feel so light with happiness and for the first time like someone
he bought me a lovely dinner and gave me a back massage and he's a dream 
i am so in love and sickeningly happy

feels fragile

my best friend's grandmother is dying
my younger sister is getting bullied in school
there's a constant feeling of hurt in my chest, like a heavy hole.
i wish my hurt would spare them from their own, but no, i'm entirely helpless, much like themselves.
my boyfriend said he would be the person who'd be bullying her, if he was in high school, wonderful, i have no face to the person i hate for causing her that pain and he offers his own.
and now he's consoling himself with drink.